A Letter to The Wife of A Porn Addict

Dear Wife of a Porn Addict,

I see your pain right now. You just discovered your husband has been seeking porn again.
The shock hits like whiplash. One moment you thought maybe things were stabilizing, and the next your whole world is spinning again. Fear floods your body. What does this mean for your marriage? For your safety? For your worth? You may feel sick, shaky, and unsure if you can even breathe.

This is your current reality — trying to process betrayal while your heart and mind are screaming that life as you knew it has changed once again. I know this is unfathomably painful. Let me take your hand as I share some things with you.

1. No amount of sex in the world will curb his desire away from porn.

He isn't using because you aren't giving him enough. You are not his methadone and should never be treated as such. Sex with you is not a substitute for porn. You can have sex with him three times a day and he will still look as long as he remains in bondage to his addiction.

2. There is nothing that you can do to make yourself more appealing than porn.

Your husband is not looking to porn because he finds you lacking — he is looking to porn because he is an addict and because he once turned to porn as a promised, numbing salve for a raw open wound.

3. You can’t heal his wounded self.

Only he can do the work with purpose, guidance, and humility. It takes vulnerability and raw honesty. It requires professional help and painstaking self-examination. No amount of white-knuckling abstinence from porn will be enough for him to stay sober — he must discover and heal the root first.

4. You are enough.

Just as you are. You don’t need to have a body that compares with his photoshopped idols. A healthy man will see you as enough because you ARE enough. You are beautiful and every inch of your body should be loved and cherished.

5. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this.

This is not your fault. There is nothing you could do to make yourself deserving of infidelity.

6. Your consent matters.

You are not obligated to share a bed with him right now. If you choose to completely abstain from all sexual contact while your husband remains unsafe, you are not depriving him. You are not required to place your body in the hands of someone who you do not trust.

7. It's normal to not trust him.

Rebuilding trust is not on you. It is not your responsibility to “learn how to trust again”, it is his responsibility to earn your trust.

8. You don't have to do this alone.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to seek a licensed therapist or qualified professional who is specially trained in betrayal trauma. You are worth seeking healing, just as you are worthy of boundless love, and a faithful partner.

If this post describes where you are right now, know that you don’t have to walk through this devastation alone. As an Abuse Recovery Coach specially trained in betrayal trauma, I work with women every day who are carrying the same fears, questions, and grief you are facing. Together, we can build tools to help you find safety, clarity, and healing — no matter what choices your husband makes.

— Emily Elizabeth Anderson