The Purity Movement Broke Me

The purity movement broke me.

In 2019 the conservative world received news that seemed to rattle their very foundation. Joshua Harris, the author who’s teaching essentially birthed the modern-day Purity Movement, announced that he would begin the process of divorce from his wife and that he had also begun to step away from his faith. “How is this possible? He wrote the book on courtship!” was the cry I hear from shocked evangelicals around the world.

But as stories from countless, limping survivors of the highly flawed belief system began to flood social media, it was apparent that this news divorce was not a surprise to everyone.

Harris’s first book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, which started a veritable tsunami of purity reform in the 21st century evangelical world, lay out one simple promise: courtship with strict purity standards, when practiced correctly, is guaranteed to produce a happy and fulfilling marriage, a stellar sex life, and will virtually fireproof yourself against divorce.

Listen up, friends, this is a lie.

Here’s what else purity culture taught me:

Purity culture taught me that, as a future bride, my virginity was the only gift that I could offer my groom that was of any true worth and value.

Purity culture taught me that while consensual sex prior to marriage was an irredeemable sin, non-consensual/coercive sex after marriage was a woman’s calling from the Lord — an act of silent, submissive martyrdom for Christ.

Purity culture taught me to don’t dare even consider marrying a man who had seen pornography, for any past viewing of porn was guaranteed to cause irreconcilable division and heartache in a marriage.

Purity culture taught me that, because of my history of sexual abuse, I should have been considered unmarriageable. I was a rose petal that has been permanently bruised and marred by the stain of impurity; I was a used piece of goods.

Purity culture taught me to believe the man I was courting at the time when he told me that he didn’t think I was a suitable candidate for marriage because my history of childhood sexual abuse was “too much baggage”. Who wants to deal with baggage anyway? Baggage is messy and hard work.

You know what broke me? It wasn’t my past abuse alone. No, it was the lie that because of my past, I was no longer valuable. THAT is what purity culture taught me, and that was what broke me.

Purity culture places virginity above all else — and teaches that ANY sexual experience (psychological or physiological, consensual or non-consensual) prior to marriage will forever damage you and your future relationships, and will make you a less-than-whole person for your future mate.

The bottom line: purity culture makes one’s sexual history an irredeemable sin and promises that saving sex for marriage will guarantee a perfect marriage.

Thankfully, that is NOT what Jesus taught.

Jesus didn’t bring a checklist or recipe card that says if you follow these steps you will experience complete happiness and fulfillment.

He brought an invitation to all who are broken: bring your brokenness to me. Bring your shattered and scarred hearts. Bring your fears and insecurities. Bring your addictions. Bring your selfishness. Bring your sin. I will take on those burdens, place them on my own back, and in exchange I will make you WHOLE. I will make you redeemed. I will offer no condemnation. I will give you fulfillment, security, love, and joy abundant.

Everyone is broken. Everyone has scars. Everyone has a past. While purity culture taught me that a man wouldn’t want to deal with my sexual past, grace from Jesus and my now-husband taught me that true love will view my scars and see redemption and healing, not an ugly blemish.

I wholeheartedly believe that sex is a sacred and safe space meant to be shared by two individuals who are committed to each other. And I don't think there's inherently anything wrong or harmful with choosing to save sex for marriage -- my husband and I even choose to do so. But saving sex for marriage is not a magic potion to a happy marriage. Nor is practicing family-inclusive courtship instead of traditional dating.

Only one thing can produce wholeness in a marriage -- living in a true partnership of full equality, and mutually loving each other as Jesus exemplified -- with kindness, empathy, dignity, and respect.

Have you been harmed by purity culture and the courtship movement? You are welcome to share your story here. 💗

~ Emily Elizabeth Anderson